im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
