You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
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Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
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It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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