They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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