I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
