We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
