she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
