It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
