Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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