If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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