someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
