I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize