At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
