It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
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Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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