I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
