I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
