You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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