Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
