I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
