You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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