I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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