he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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