Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
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we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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