He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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