census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
