I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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