went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
