do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
