Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
