stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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