They should really pass out barf bags in church
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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