Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
