you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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