just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
