I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
