May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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