I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
