Small penises have feelings too.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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