Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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