8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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