I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
