you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
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The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
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dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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