4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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