I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are the jesus of drinking
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
