just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
