Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
