my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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