Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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