I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Randomize
