Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
