I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
