this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
