I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
