They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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