once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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