I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
