I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Randomize
