So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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