Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
