i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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