I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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