On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Houston, we have a blender
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
do nipples grow back?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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