Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
