Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
