are you still at the devil's house?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
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