she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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