My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
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I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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