Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i barfeds in our rink
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
